Hope. This word embodies what God has been teaching
me throughout this last week. My Savior
has been whispering this word over my heart again and again. And “the God of hope [has been filling me]
with all joy and peace as [I] trust in Him, so that [I might] overflow with
hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” (Romans 15:13).
At
present, I am listening to Chris Tomlin’s ardent worship wash over my soul and
am searching every reference to hope I can find throughout Scripture (with the
help of a friend’s concordance). Though
many of these verses are filled with empowering encouragement, one in
particular that speaks to me (though perhaps cliché) is Isaiah 40:31. “But those who hope in the LORD will renew
their strength. They will soar on wings
like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.”
This
verse speaks to me deeply due to my desperation for rest in this place. Physically, emotionally, and in particular spiritually I have been literally
yearning for rejuvenation. This verse
promises renewal of strength to those who hope in the LORD; that they will no
longer grow weary, even in the midst of running. But part of this is discipline. In order to be physically refreshed, I must
have the discipline to go to bed earlier and, instead of trying to be involved
with everything that’s going on, to sometimes choose simply resting or “being.”
Emotional
renewal comes at times like now, when I take a break from the frenzied activity
around me to take aside the time to process the flurry of thoughts, emotions,
and experiences. I must be sharing the
experiences of life I have here both with the people physically around me as
well as continuing to share life to some extent with people from home. I have felt so estranged from home, this
being my first opportunity to connect with people from there. And even blogging now feels relatively empty
since this is a monologue, a one-sided conversation, and I know nothing of what
is going on with those I love from home.
This is where some sacrifice comes in, because I would be on my email
right now before blogging, except internet here is inconsistent at best. But because there are only certain times when
I’m even able to try getting online, I am at the mercy of happenstance (really
the serendipity of God’s mercy and wisdom) to whether it will even be at the
right time for getting internet. And as
my neglected emailing correspondents are aware, this has not yet happened.
But
this struggle ought to be diminished by my openness with my community here, but
my life-long battle with vulnerability rages on. This is an area where hope has been most
essential for me. And I feel as though
God has been unveiling my eyes in many ways regarding misconceptions I’ve
supposed of how people might react to my raw honesty and uninhibited
personality. These preconceptions have
proved both true and false, good and bad, but most importantly God has been
teaching me that regardless of human response, I must persevere in being
utterly real. And if I admit when I’m a
wreck inside, people may even be able to relate, and this vulnerability may
bring us closer. This has certainly
happened in some instances, though in others (though less frequently), I might
feel further ostracized.
However,
spiritual rejuvenation is by far the most integral of the three. I have never in my life struggled with such effort
to meet with God daily, only to have the bell ring for the next activity before
I feel as though I’ve intimately connected with God. I hardly know what to do about this because I
certainly both desire and strive toward this daily intimacy, but maybe I’ve
just been spoiled up until this point, and just can’t expect to always
experience that rich personal interaction with Christ, and should be more than
satisfied with the depth of corporate worship and learning that daily occur in
this community.
I was talking to one of my leaders
about this, and she compared my relationship with Christ to a potential
relationship with a husband (an analogy which has always deeply resonated in
me). I was yearning for time alone with
Christ, although He’s always with me and I experience His fellowship in
community with others here. Likewise,
even if I was spending ample time with a human husband in groups of people, it
could never replace or compare with the time spent alone with him. And the devastating truth of the matter was
that even though Christ was always with me, I found myself missing Him deeply,
soul aching for His intimacy. I heard
Him unceasingly whispering “Come away with me” to my heart, but every time I
did or tried to was either interrupted by the next activity, prevented, or not
as fulfilling due to the many distractions inevitably surrounding me, whether
they are mosquitoes and gnats or people talking.
But I have learned much of the
beauty of simply being in God’s presence, regardless of how deeply I feel I connect with Him, or how much
what I learn from His heart resonates within my own. I have experienced transcendent restoration
through simply being with Christ. I feel as though the principle of
companionable silence I’ve experienced so readily with family, I now know how
to apply to my relationship with Christ, even while I’m amidst a group of
people.
So
rewinding back a week, our training here in Mexico began with three days of
solitude. During this time we could
neither talk nor interact with the people around us. The only beings I talked to during that time
were God Himself and a few cows looking on as I talked or sang to Him. It was such a beautiful experience to have so
many hours of uninterrupted quality time with my Husband. And I think that coming out of this time made
it all the more difficult to adapt to the desperate hunger of finding an
opportunity to spend time alone with Him.
Following
this time of solitude, the Spirit has been moving in powerful ways, including
moving our community to sing new songs that spring from our hearts during
worship times, going on prayer marches during the middle of night on behalf of another
teammate, and breaking the bondage of Satan’s lies in people’s lives. And it has been incredible digging deep into
Scriptures to discover more of Jesus’ character, His teaching, and the
lifestyles of the early church following Jesus’ teaching and life. God has been so good to me in putting me in
this sort of learning environment at this time in my life.
Every
afternoon our teams divide and go to our “adopted families” around the
area. This last week our task was simply
to observe and learn of our families’ lifestyles. My team’s family has four kids: Cynthia (12),
Lisbeth (8), and twins, Adrian and Adriana (4).
Their mom Mary is extremely hospitable and kind; and all her kids are
very sweet and fun. One of my first
precious moments with their family came when we were walking back to the base
the second day after our visit. Adrian
had been at a relative’s house living nearby, and when we walked past he ran
over to me, jumped up and threw his arms around me! I am so in love with his twin, too – little
Adrianna – and love holding her on my lap every time we go there. I was so overwhelmed with the sweetness of
life when shy little Adrianna leaned in and gave me a kiss goodbye right on the
lips when we were leaving several days ago, and now it has become a goodbye
tradition!
So that’s
just a bit of what’s been going on down here.
For those who are checking my blog, I probably will be able to update it
every Sunday. You can pray for my
rejuvenation spiritually, emotionally, and physically (and that I’d have the
discipline to go to bed early!) Please
also pray that I will have time every day to come away with God. And finally, pray that I will have the boldness
to be vulnerable with my teammates, so our relationships can go deeper. Thank you so much for your prayers already –
they have made all the difference here!
I miss you all at home so much and love you deeply!!
