"...Do not worry beforehand about what to say. Just say whatever is given you at the time, for it is not you speaking, but the Holy Spirit." Mark 13:11b
It was already 2:30. Older women's group was going to meet in half an hour and I still had nothing to share with them. I was exhausted from playing with kids and cleaning all day, and wanted nothing more than a nap. But that was not an option. Frustrated that everyone on my team was taking naps except me, some for seemingly the last few hours, I collapsed wearily onto God's proverbial lap (also known as my mattress...it seems big and squishy enough). I reviewed everything that God had been teaching me, but none of it seemed relevant enough to what I knew these women were dealing with. I thought about what God had been teaching me over the last week since I'd seen the women...All of it seemed potentially discouraging rather than encouraging in that I had been very sick, fatigued, burdened and discouraged. And at that point, I was completely weak and weary.
I was coming to my wit's end. Oh, but did I mention that God had been bringing the cliché Matthew 11:28-30 to my mind (for what I thought was my own sake) since the beginning? I had discounted it as being merely encouragement to myself while I struggled to come up with something to share with the women. "Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light." Certainly I was weary and burdened...I had been all week. But this couldn't be what I was supposed to share with the women. I didn't even have anything to say about the verse, aside from the obvious application.
And yet, it was absolutely all that God was willing to give me. I had no other choice but to share it, so I begrudgingly submitted myself to God. I pretty much told Him "God, this is the first time in my life where I've gone into something that I'm supposed to share a message with absolutely nothing to share. I'm going to trust You to speak for me. I know that You are strong in my weakness, and I am so weak right now, so make Your power perfect in me. And just so You know, if You do come through in this way, it will be one of the coolest things I've ever experienced!"
After I yielded, I remembered that there was another verse God had been whispering to me in encouragement in the peripheral of my mind. I could barely even remember what it said...something about our valleys of tears becoming pools of blessings. I knew it was in one of the Psalms, but I had no idea of even which one, just a visual image of where it was on the page.
Women's group was starting in two minutes. I flipped quickly through the Psalms, scanning desperately for the verse. My hope was fading, and I was considering giving up when the number 84 came to my memory. Suddenly, there it was! And sure enough, right where I remembered it being on the page, was The Verse...Psalm 84:5-6.
"Blessed are those whose strength is in You, who have set their hearts on pilgrimage. As they pass through the Valley of Baca (tears), they make it a place of springs; the autumn rains also cover it with pools of blessings."
The fear had once again resurfaced; not that it had ever actually disappeared. But this is simply a matter of surrender, and when the fear re-livens, to surrender. And at times, I won't even recognize my struggles being rooted in my fear.
Last Wednesday night we had a time of confession of sins and fears, and a cleansing from these by the washing of one another's feet. In the beginning, I was reluctant to pray over or speak into people's lives who were opening up because of what God has been teaching me about silence. And because of the importance of this teaching in my life and how it relates to this story, I will take a detour to tell about it.
So, as I talked about in my last blog entry, I had really been fighting for opportunities to just come away and be with Jesus. But gently He had been teaching me how to let Him quiet my heart even while I was surrounded by people in the flurry of activity throughout the day. He was showing me the solitude that could be had within the sanctuary of my heart that is the temple His spirit resides in. Tenderly, He was leading me to take advantage of even just the moments of silence or stillness, and in this way to abide in Him. In the mornings as I still laid in bed, He drew my heart into a state of listening meditation before Him to gain His perspective, transforming my attitude. And as I allowed His Words to wash over me, groggy changed to anticipation and hope, and grumpy reversed to gratitude and joy. After morning exercise, He would draw me aside to where He was painting the sunrise with vivid brushstrokes. After breakfast, we would sit on our shady bench together as He read me His thoughts, bringing clarity to my own. We sneaked away together after dinnertime to our most favorite bench enshrouded by a tree, perfect for reclining against, and overlooking a pond, its ripples dappled with the day's last drops of sunlight. And I love it when Jesus grabs my hand to escape on an adventure together: climbing a tree, traipsing through a meadow, or stealing away into the stillness of night to lie beneath the silent blanket of stars. He has been reminding me of my unrestrained, unburdened love for Him while still at home, and alluring me back into the singing, laughing, and dancing to the music of life, bringing hope even to the valley of trouble (Hosea 2:14-15). In moments like these I find myself basking in a joy that comes simply from the beauty of being. As my mom tells me, each day is a gift, and I desire to live in eager expectation of God's intent for every day I'm blessed to exist. And day by day, I'm beginning to hear more distinctly the unmistakable whisperings of His spirit to mine throughout the day. Most surprisingly to me, these whisperings occur even in the midst of my conversations with others, allowing me to replace the many words I otherwise would have spoken with the simplicity of wisdom His words afford.
But listening to His Spirit also gave me a certain sense of trepidation, as if I was tiptoeing through meaningful conversations, holding my tongue more often than not for fear of speaking my own words rather than His. In doing this, I forfeited the vulnerability of openly sharing my heart, which was in part subconsciously motivated by a fear that people would not care to know. So this brings me back full circle to my hesitance to speak or pray over people during foot washing, and still more, to share what fear lingered in my own heart.
So here's the fear: that God is uprooting my heart from the fertile soil of home with all of its nurturing relationships with family and friends. I find that when Christ asks me to surrender everything for His sake, I withhold my father, mother, brother, sisters, and friends from Him. I cling so tightly to home, which is a refusal to acknowledge Him alone as my home. I hold fast to the people of home whom I so dearly love, which prevents Him from being my All in All. And as long as I decline to relinquish both home and the people of it to Christ, I remain in a state of idolatry.
But along with the damage done to my relationship with Christ by my idolatry, my relationships with the people away from home are also inhibited. I witness this self-fulfilling prophecy unravel of my belief that I could never be as close to anyone as I am to the people of home. I anticipate that people will not know or understand me as deeply, so my tendency is to still strive to know them, yet often with a limited reciprocation of vulnerability.
Sharing this fear to a couple of teammates was the first step to conquering it, but certainly many more steps ensue. These teammates prayed over me and washed my feet, yet the struggle is not over. And I feel like this is more spiritual than I realize. There is a ubiquitous battle being waged between angels and demons. And I believe that Satan often works discreetly, and that this seemingly subtle fear is causing me to withhold from my team, which affects our ministry. Although I am also aware that much of this is simply homesickness. But either way, I would deeply appreciate prayer for this, and am so grateful for those of you who have already prayed over this. Many thanks, and I love you all so much!
Hope.This word embodies what God has been teaching
me throughout this last week.My Savior
has been whispering this word over my heart again and again.And "the God of hope [has been filling me]
with all joy and peace as [I] trust in Him, so that [I might] overflow with
hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." (Romans 15:13).
At
present, I am listening to Chris Tomlin's ardent worship wash over my soul and
am searching every reference to hope I can find throughout Scripture (with the
help of a friend's concordance).Though
many of these verses are filled with empowering encouragement, one in
particular that speaks to me (though perhaps cliché) is Isaiah 40:31. "But those who hope in the LORD will renew
their strength.They will soar on wings
like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."
This
verse speaks to me deeply due to my desperation for rest in this place.Physically, emotionally, and in particular spiritually I have been literally
yearning for rejuvenation.This verse
promises renewal of strength to those who hope in the LORD; that they will no
longer grow weary, even in the midst of running.But part of this is discipline.In order to be physically refreshed, I must
have the discipline to go to bed earlier and, instead of trying to be involved
with everything that's going on, to sometimes choose simply resting or "being."
Emotional
renewal comes at times like now, when I take a break from the frenzied activity
around me to take aside the time to process the flurry of thoughts, emotions,
and experiences.I must be sharing the
experiences of life I have here both with the people physically around me as
well as continuing to share life to some extent with people from home.I have felt so estranged from home, this
being my first opportunity to connect with people from there.And even blogging now feels relatively empty
since this is a monologue, a one-sided conversation, and I know nothing of what
is going on with those I love from home.This is where some sacrifice comes in, because I would be on my email
right now before blogging, except internet here is inconsistent at best.But because there are only certain times when
I'm even able to try getting online, I am at the mercy of happenstance (really
the serendipity of God's mercy and wisdom) to whether it will even be at the
right time for getting internet.And as
my neglected emailing correspondents are aware, this has not yet happened.
But
this struggle ought to be diminished by my openness with my community here, but
my life-long battle with vulnerability rages on.This is an area where hope has been most
essential for me.And I feel as though
God has been unveiling my eyes in many ways regarding misconceptions I've
supposed of how people might react to my raw honesty and uninhibited
personality.These preconceptions have
proved both true and false, good and bad, but most importantly God has been
teaching me that regardless of human response, I must persevere in being
utterly real.And if I admit when I'm a
wreck inside, people may even be able to relate, and this vulnerability may
bring us closer.This has certainly
happened in some instances, though in others (though less frequently), I might
feel further ostracized.
However,
spiritual rejuvenation is by far the most integral of the three.I have never in my life struggled with such effort
to meet with God daily, only to have the bell ring for the next activity before
I feel as though I've intimately connected with God.I hardly know what to do about this because I
certainly both desire and strive toward this daily intimacy, but maybe I've
just been spoiled up until this point, and just can't expect to always
experience that rich personal interaction with Christ, and should be more than
satisfied with the depth of corporate worship and learning that daily occur in
this community.
I was talking to one of my leaders
about this, and she compared my relationship with Christ to a potential
relationship with a husband (an analogy which has always deeply resonated in
me).I was yearning for time alone with
Christ, although He's always with me and I experience His fellowship in
community with others here.Likewise,
even if I was spending ample time with a human husband in groups of people, it
could never replace or compare with the time spent alone with him.And the devastating truth of the matter was
that even though Christ was always with me, I found myself missing Him deeply,
soul aching for His intimacy.I heard
Him unceasingly whispering "Come away with me" to my heart, but every time I
did or tried to was either interrupted by the next activity, prevented, or not
as fulfilling due to the many distractions inevitably surrounding me, whether
they are mosquitoes and gnats or people talking.
But I have learned much of the
beauty of simply being in God's presence, regardless of how deeply I feel I connect with Him, or how much
what I learn from His heart resonates within my own.I have experienced transcendent restoration
through simply being with Christ.I feel as though the principle of
companionable silence I've experienced so readily with family, I now know how
to apply to my relationship with Christ, even while I'm amidst a group of
people.
So
rewinding back a week, our training here in Mexico began with three days of
solitude.During this time we could
neither talk nor interact with the people around us.The only beings I talked to during that time
were God Himself and a few cows looking on as I talked or sang to Him.It was such a beautiful experience to have so
many hours of uninterrupted quality time with my Husband.And I think that coming out of this time made
it all the more difficult to adapt to the desperate hunger of finding an
opportunity to spend time alone with Him.
Following
this time of solitude, the Spirit has been moving in powerful ways, including
moving our community to sing new songs that spring from our hearts during
worship times, going on prayer marches during the middle of night on behalf of another
teammate, and breaking the bondage of Satan's lies in people's lives.And it has been incredible digging deep into
Scriptures to discover more of Jesus' character, His teaching, and the
lifestyles of the early church following Jesus' teaching and life.God has been so good to me in putting me in
this sort of learning environment at this time in my life.
Every
afternoon our teams divide and go to our "adopted families" around the
area.This last week our task was simply
to observe and learn of our families' lifestyles.My team's family has four kids: Cynthia (12),
Lisbeth (8), and twins, Adrian and Adriana (4).Their mom Mary is extremely hospitable and kind; and all her kids are
very sweet and fun.One of my first
precious moments with their family came when we were walking back to the base
the second day after our visit.Adrian
had been at a relative's house living nearby, and when we walked past he ran
over to me, jumped up and threw his arms around me!I am so in love with his twin, too - little
Adrianna - and love holding her on my lap every time we go there.I was so overwhelmed with the sweetness of
life when shy little Adrianna leaned in and gave me a kiss goodbye right on the
lips when we were leaving several days ago, and now it has become a goodbye
tradition!
So that's
just a bit of what's been going on down here.For those who are checking my blog, I probably will be able to update it
every Sunday.You can pray for my
rejuvenation spiritually, emotionally, and physically (and that I'd have the
discipline to go to bed early!)Please
also pray that I will have time every day to come away with God.And finally, pray that I will have the boldness
to be vulnerable with my teammates, so our relationships can go deeper.Thank you so much for your prayers already –
they have made all the difference here!I miss you all at home so much and love you deeply!!
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Ok I am a person who likes to jump right into it...so here is my story and how I was called to the mission field.
Oh where to begin? I will start with last summer (summer of '08). It was right before the start of my senior year. I played softball for my highschool so I was trying to decide if I wanted to play ball in college or not. I thought about it all summer, weighed my decisions (at this time I thought this would be the toughest decision about my future, little did I know). But as the season approached and I decided if it was already my senior season and I could not decided if I wanted to go or not it must not be a passion of mine. So as you can tell I decided not to play ball in college. Right before my senior year I asked to men at my church to be praying for me. We had a girl come and speak about how she went to college and it just wasn't for her so after a year she stopped going and signed up with a missions organization and did just what we are getting ready to do now.
It was such a long year for me. I prayed, I prayed and I prayed. I begged God to open doors to give me signs. I battled with what the world thought I should do and what I thought I should do. But I knew the whole time it was going to be what the Lord wanted me to do. I had three times that I can remember God was like yes KC you are taking your first year of college off and you are going to Africa for me (crazy I needed 3 times to finally get it).
One day I was driving in my car (her name is Roxi) and I said out loud so I knew God heard me "I know I am going to Africa, I trust that you are going to lead me there and I know that is where you want me. I will save up all of my money, all my graduation money. At the end of the summer I will buy myself a plane ticket and go to Africa and wait for you to lead me. I dont care God I know it is what you want from me so I will do it." That SAME night in my devotion book I read this verse
"1 The LORD had said to Abram,
"Leave your country, your people and your father's household
and go to the land I will show you. Genesis 12:1.
WOW!!
Okay so I got it im going but how? My pastor told me about an orphanage he worked with in Uganda so I began e-mailing with them and trying to see if it would be possible for me to spend 8months to a year with them. It seemed possible but it was more of a window not a door I had to go through but I kept trying.
In the mean time I had family asking about college pestoring me with plans (sorry family) and I had friends applying or already getting accepted to college. I thought maybe I have it wrong maybe im not suppose to go to Africa. I need to retake the SAT and apply to college, so I did. This is God confermation number two and three. I took the SAT and my scores dropped and whole 100 points, I applied to the one and only college I really felt like going to and I didn't get in (see from the get go I knew I did not want to go straight to college). Then I said I guess I need to take the test again and apply somewhere else. Then I could feel the presents of the Lords spirit, he said to me KC if you apply to another college you don't trust me. I know the desires of your heart now wait and let me show you what I have planned for you. I knew I would be applying for college just incase God didn't come through. Which was stupid (never think God wont come through). So I trusted him and I didn't apply to another college. For the rest of my senior year when people asked me what I was going to do next year I said hopefully serve God in Africa, im still waiting though. It was a hard time because the ways of the world were all around me, I had people who didn't understand why I wanted to do this, friends who thought I would be eaten by pirates and family who could only see my next step was to college. But thank God I still has much support and I kept going, kept waiting and finally sent in my application to AIM. I read about the Novas project and something I read said something about working with orphans and somethings else said are you a college student wanting to take a year off to follow God and all this other stuff. I said "oh my gosh" that is the exact reason's that I have said I want to take this year off.
It was fate and all God's timing. This is how I was called, God told me a long time ago that I would be called in to missions, he prepared me by sending me on 4 mission trips in one year. The first of the 4 was actually my first mission trip ever. He sent me friends and some family who supported me. I love him and im excited for his calling....
So this is my novel on how I was called. If you read all of this God Bless you.!!
We were asked to write a blog about how we felt before leaving on this mission trip. Here is what I'm expecting...
The expectations I have are vague. I basically am expecting to go to South Africa and serve God in ministry.
I expect a different culture and having to adjust to it. Although I've never been homesick, this will be the longest time away from home for me, so I expect to miss the comforts of my family and home at times. I'll definitely miss hanging out with my friends, but I expect to create new friendships and make memories with them that will last a lifetime. I expect to go deeper spiritually and draw closer to my Saviour. I expect God to do awe-inspiring things that will continually challenge the limitations I sometimes put around Him.
In short, I expect to experience adventure; it's about time! I'm eager to leave and see what God has in store!
For the kingdom of God is not a matter of eating or drinking, but of righteousness, peace, and joy in the Holy Spirit, because anyone who serves Christ in this way is pleasing in God and approved my men.
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